My Trip To Texas Pt 2: The Mexican Perkins

San Antonio is very different than Houston. For one, San Antonio is better than Houston. I say this not out of disrespect for Houston. I say this because it is a fact. Sometimes facts can be disrespectful, but it's not the fact's fault. It literally is what it is.

Fact: Messing with Texas would be such a waste of time.

So, San Antonio: My best friend from my childhood, Ian, moved to San Antonio sometime after college. I think he moved for a girl. Or he moved there with a girl. I can't remember the timing. I think this is because sometimes I'm not a very good friend. Either way, he moved there with or around the time a girl, who he has since broken up with but still hangs out with quite regularly, moved to San Antonio. They don't hang out as much lately. I think she moved to Guam now or something. I don't know. Maybe Ian will move to Guam? Ian, don't move to Guam.

Noah's Rebuttal

Below is Noah's (the before mentioned ten year old) response to my disco alien.  This is the wild rainbow swirl edward guy. Well done.

I think I have the mind of a ten year old.

Disco Dancing Aliens

I am outside at my brother in law's outdoor celebration of his trip through the birth canal. I am having an art contest with a ten year old. I drew a disco dancing alien named fred. It is awesome. He has bad fashion sense though because he is green and he is wearing green. Oh fred.

Tall People Need to Respect Other People's Property

The other day I was at Barnes and Noble. That's a bookstore that sells books. You should go there sometime. I think you'd really like some of the books they sell at that store.

While I was at Barnes and Noble I had to pee. Luckily Barnes and Noble has a bathroom in the back. It's next to some books. I went inside the bathroom and urinated into a very low to the ground urinal. Here is a picture:

You should notice how high up the linoleum tile gives way to wallpaper way above the toilet.

But What About the Laughter and the Future?

Did you all hear the horrible news about life today? Cathy, the eponymous comic strip starring a Cathy and written by a Cathy will have its last comic strip ever on October 3rd. This is news most fowl! (That’s a play on a word. Fowl is a bird. Chicken is a bird. Cathy loooves food! Chicken is a food AND a bird! Cathy loves chicken probably.)

Whoever will the women of the world laugh with when their diets aren’t working? Whoever will tend to their hearts when love goes bad? Who will understand their unending devotion to chocolate? Who will understand how frustrating mother’s can be and how frustrating it can be when you realize you are becoming your frustrating mother? NO ONE! Women will only have friends and family to talk to and learn from now. They will not have a sexually androgynous, frizzy-haired dynamo of humor.

For those who don’t know, Cathy is (soon to be was) a HILARIOUS comic about a woman named Cathy doing all sorts of woman things like saying, “Ack!” when confronted with the urge to eat cake and saying, “Ack!” when exercising, and saying, “Ack” so much. Giggle giggle. Remember the time she said, “Ack!” when her mom visited?

WITH APOLOGIES TO MY FATHER: Calm Down, Please

So there's a lot of unnecessary hate in this world. It's too bad really, because I think everyone would probably be good if given the chance, but I don't think people are given that chance much anymore.

I've been reading a lot about California and the gay marriage law this week, and I'm shocked. I'm shocked at how awful people have become. I'm shocked at how awful people can be when they think they are being good or even righteous. I'm shocked at how these awful people think history will smile upon them kindly when every single activist on the side of pro-discrimination retroactively looks like a monster twenty years later. I'm sure some misguided zealot back in the day made a whole lot of sense when he said, "Them Darkies shant ever marry our proper white ladies. If they do, all our children will be born with big hands and big feet and small brains, and we'll eventually die out." And I'm sure some very rich man made sense when he told Susan B. Anthony and company, "If women started to work and started to vote, we men would not be taken care of. We'd starve. You'd be too busy to rear children. We'd eventually die out."

FUTURE BLOG: Thanks California, Now I'm Married to a Duck

The other day, I rode my mind-controlled jet pack to the movie theater to watch a remake of the Sandlot (now in 6D!), and boy did I get angry. I overheard someone in the line talking about an old law California passed. It was such a bad law! Okay, get this everyone: California let all the homosexuals get married. That of course ruined our heterosexual marriages, right? I mean, obviously. We all know it did that. I woke up one day in love with my wife. The next day, after California decided gays could earn tax breaks and share benefits with the people they loved, I woke up and realized, "Marriage. This institution is over. Please pass the sodomy and applesauce." We all did that. I guess those super smart and incredibly logical people at the National Organization for Marriage were right about everything they said.

What I liked about that group was how they always said, "Marriage will die when the gays marry." I'm glad they conveniently ignored the rising divorce rates and farcical nature marriage took in the late 90's amongst heterosexual couples. That wouldn't have helped their argument at all! Also, I always thought gay people were just normal dudes and dudettes who were into a little bit different love parts than me. But they weren't! They were really people who wanted to turn our kids gay and use inner most cavities for crazy experiments for the Dark Lord! I didn't know that, but the National Organization for Marriage showed up at all these events they weren't invited to and showed all these incredibly convincing and not at all tacky signs that had swear words and death threats on them. I'm glad they cared about everyone's happiness so much. I mean, they obviously cared for the right reasons and not because they misconstrued a few passages from a book whose sole purpose is to spread goodwill, love, peace, happiness, solidarity, etc etc into meaning that God hates those who love the same gender. Nope. They were totally justified in their hateful and bigoted thought processes. I just wished I'd listened to them all. I bet you do too.

RETRO BLOG: Now I Have Too Many Shelves

A long long time ago, in a blogaxy far far away, I mentioned that I intended to sell a very large movie collection I owned. This movie collection had a lot of movies. It had 548 DVDs, 19 blu-rays, and 135 seasons of various low-to-high quality television programs. It was disgusting. They were all over the place. I had movies crawling out of the sink and pouring out of my gutters. Golly!

Clearly I had a disease. What disease? Being too awesome to realize I owned too many movies. Then I got married, and my wife said, “Jay, you need to sell all of your movies right away. No man of mine will have such a large collection of unnecessary films on hand. You will be too busy doing everything I say to watch movies anyhow. Now go mow the lawn you wanker.” I bet you thought I was making that up until she said her trademark insult. Also, I realized I didn’t really need any movies, and I tired of buying all the movies, and I never watched the movies, and blah blah blah, I’ve explained this before. I’m here for a different reason right now. This blog has a different thesis statement then some other blog. I’m here to let you know that last weekend I had a garage sale. I put the last remaining movies out for the public (yech…the public, they are so much worse than us) to peruse and buy.