This past summer I wrote about the World Cup. You probably need to be reminded of what the World Cup is because it's not going on right now, so no one is talking about it or the sport it features. The World Cup is an event that takes place every four years (which is every four years more than it should happen) where all the best soccer players you've never heard of from places you've never even heard of beat up and embarrass our own United States American soccer placers you've never heard of. It usually happens in the middle of the summer when nothing else fun in sports is really going on, so the sports media tries to guilt you, a hot-blooded American, into liking soccer. "The world loves it. Why don't you love it?" says the sports media.
Oh shut up sports media.
Quick Fact: Did you know soccer was invented by impoverished yokels who simply needed a way to keep score when they kicked a rock around their barren neighborhood parks? Look it up somewhere.
MOVING ON--In news that absolutely no one is talking about today, the World Cup announced where they would be playing their 2018 and 2022 World Cup Events. No one knows where they are playing the 2014 event. It was announced six years ago or something, so no one cares anymore. We can all just hope that wherever the 2014 event is that there aren't any vuvuzuelas. Am I right inside soccer joke getters? Russia got the 2018 World Cup to celebrate the 100th anniversary of communism and forehead birthmarks. After the Russia announcement, it was time for the 2022 announcement.
Six Americans (one of which was hip-hop President Bill "Iron Horse" Clinton) waited with baited breath as some crazy French guy opened an envelope and said the 2022 World Cup will be in...
...LONG PAUSE...
...THE TENSION IS PALPABLE...
...LOOK A BUTTERFLY HEE HEE I LOVE BUTTERFLYS...
...OH COME ON AND SAY THE NAME IN THE ENVELOPE ALREADY...
...Qatar. The French Guy said Qatar. 95% of the people in the room thought, "Why is this French guy calling for his butler?" Then they realized, "Wait. Is Qatar a country?" It is a country! Congratulations on your being a country, Qatar! You give Rhode Island hope that they can someday break out from the tyrannical rule of Washington DC and make it on their own.
Seriously though...I'm all for the World Cup not coming to America. The only good aspect of soccer--it hasn't been whored to the world by marketing executives (though ESPN sure is trying)--would be ruined by America. We'd put movie logos on the soccer balls. We'd have giant jumbo trons advertising hot dogs. We'd refuse to acknowledge other countries because WE ARE AMERICA (arms raised, triumphantly). That said, any self respecting premier event does not go to Qatar. No one goes to Qatar. Not even Aladdin. There are like seventeen people who live there, and they are all royalty and/or servants to royalty. It's as if soccer knows it will be increasingly irrelevant in 2022 and is planning accordingly. After all, once NFL Europe gets started real football will inevitably take over. Amiright?
PS. That NFL Europe joke was really bad. Really really bad. But there was really no other way to wrap up a blog about how I hope soccer goes away without referencing "real" football. And the NFL Europe is sort of a sham and fun to make fun of I think. Anywho, I'm sorry for the joke. However, I'd like to make it clear that I'm not sorry for the explanatory postscript in which I apologize for the joke. So, to sum: I'm sorry for the joke but not at all sorry that I had to apologize.
You're just like Bill Simmons. Guest blog on A Meeting of Minds soon.
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