The other day, I rode my mind-controlled jet pack to the movie theater to watch a remake of the Sandlot (now in 6D!), and boy did I get angry. I overheard someone in the line talking about an old law California passed. It was such a bad law! Okay, get this everyone: California let all the homosexuals get married. That of course ruined our heterosexual marriages, right? I mean, obviously. We all know it did that. I woke up one day in love with my wife. The next day, after California decided gays could earn tax breaks and share benefits with the people they loved, I woke up and realized, "Marriage. This institution is over. Please pass the sodomy and applesauce." We all did that. I guess those super smart and incredibly logical people at the National Organization for Marriage were right about everything they said.
What I liked about that group was how they always said, "Marriage will die when the gays marry." I'm glad they conveniently ignored the rising divorce rates and farcical nature marriage took in the late 90's amongst heterosexual couples. That wouldn't have helped their argument at all! Also, I always thought gay people were just normal dudes and dudettes who were into a little bit different love parts than me. But they weren't! They were really people who wanted to turn our kids gay and use inner most cavities for crazy experiments for the Dark Lord! I didn't know that, but the National Organization for Marriage showed up at all these events they weren't invited to and showed all these incredibly convincing and not at all tacky signs that had swear words and death threats on them. I'm glad they cared about everyone's happiness so much. I mean, they obviously cared for the right reasons and not because they misconstrued a few passages from a book whose sole purpose is to spread goodwill, love, peace, happiness, solidarity, etc etc into meaning that God hates those who love the same gender. Nope. They were totally justified in their hateful and bigoted thought processes. I just wished I'd listened to them all. I bet you do too.
After all, once we all decided marriage wasn't for us whacked out straight people, things started to go real bad. People still wanted companions. People still liked sex. Sex is so great still. Unfortunately because no one could have sex anymore because NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE DUH! no new babies were born. Now everyone on Earth is dead but me, three moose living in Alaska, the two guys behind me in line at the movie theater, and a duck. I'm going to have to marry this duck and reseed the Earth! Thanks California!
In hindsight, I wish I would have listened to all those people who wanted me to be just like them. Here I thought they were ignorant and hate-filled and holding on to outdated ideals and interjecting their poisonous thoughts onto any naive person willing to listen. They wanted me to worry about other people that were happy and think that those people were happy for wrong, sinful reasons. Then they wanted me to insult and degrade those people in the name of a God who would have been ashamed of the Insulter and Degrader and a God who really probably quite liked the Insultee and the Degraded. Yep. Those people were so smart and California was so dumb. Thanks California. Quack Quack.
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