FUTURE BLOG: Thanks California, Now I'm Married to a Duck

The other day, I rode my mind-controlled jet pack to the movie theater to watch a remake of the Sandlot (now in 6D!), and boy did I get angry. I overheard someone in the line talking about an old law California passed. It was such a bad law! Okay, get this everyone: California let all the homosexuals get married. That of course ruined our heterosexual marriages, right? I mean, obviously. We all know it did that. I woke up one day in love with my wife. The next day, after California decided gays could earn tax breaks and share benefits with the people they loved, I woke up and realized, "Marriage. This institution is over. Please pass the sodomy and applesauce." We all did that. I guess those super smart and incredibly logical people at the National Organization for Marriage were right about everything they said.

What I liked about that group was how they always said, "Marriage will die when the gays marry." I'm glad they conveniently ignored the rising divorce rates and farcical nature marriage took in the late 90's amongst heterosexual couples. That wouldn't have helped their argument at all! Also, I always thought gay people were just normal dudes and dudettes who were into a little bit different love parts than me. But they weren't! They were really people who wanted to turn our kids gay and use inner most cavities for crazy experiments for the Dark Lord! I didn't know that, but the National Organization for Marriage showed up at all these events they weren't invited to and showed all these incredibly convincing and not at all tacky signs that had swear words and death threats on them. I'm glad they cared about everyone's happiness so much. I mean, they obviously cared for the right reasons and not because they misconstrued a few passages from a book whose sole purpose is to spread goodwill, love, peace, happiness, solidarity, etc etc into meaning that God hates those who love the same gender. Nope. They were totally justified in their hateful and bigoted thought processes. I just wished I'd listened to them all. I bet you do too.

FUTURE BLOG: I Sure Do Not Miss the Meteorologists

I remember back during the week of July 18th-24th in the year (remember years? hahaha) of 2010 when the weathermen and the weatherwomen and the sexually androgynous meteorologists said it was going to rain all week and then it didn't rain at all. That was funny. No one watered their lawns because of all the rain they were supposed to get, but then all their lawns died because there was no rain. There was never any rain. Weathermen sure were stupid.

That's why I'm so glad that our president decided to get rid of all the people who predicted stuff. He gave everyone three chances. "Once you make your third wrong prediction, you will no longer be able to be called an expert, and you will have to get a new job, not experting things." At first people were so mad because who was the president to try to hold others accountable and interfere in our lives? He was a nobody I guess. But then all the predicting started. And all the predictions from the experts were way too wrong for anyone to stay employed. That was bad for them but it was good for everyone else, obviously. No one had ever actually followed up to make sure their guesses were correct.

The last weather reporter made it to his ninth consecutive broadcast before predicting a snow that spat out more as an icy rain.  He was a legend at weather bars everywhere.

Now when I leave the house in September I make sure to bring a light jacket in case it gets cold, no matter what. I don't base this behavior on the actions of a guy on my hologram-projectile-entertainment-dimensional-cubing-machine who got his education from a nothing. 

FUTURE BLOG: Go Away Aliens

Last Friday I sat at the Moon Cafe, with my good friends Luis, Tyrone, Zheng, and Drazen.  We talked about all those problems we're having with illegal aliens lately.  We didn't mind the illegals at first, when they minded their damn business and did all of the work we didn't want to do.  I mean, they've been on our Earth and our Moon for years now, and they still want to try and communicate with mind melds and glowing hand motions?  Why haven't they bothered learning the Official Language of Earth: Spagermenglabosnobonics?

We're also pretty fed up with the fact they are always playing laser tags with their lasers (set to stun mode) and nodding their large green foreheads back and forth.  What type of color is it to be green anyhow?  They look different and weird, and I don't understand it one bit.  And why can't they get in their spaceship cars like the rest of us?  We get it, they can beam into their spaceship cars from wherever they are.  That's not cool.  We have hands for a reason and that reason is to open doors to things we want to get inside.  If my great grand-daddy simply beamed into the Waldorf Hotel, he would have never met my great grand-mammy by holding the door open for her.  They would have never procreated.  I wouldn't have been born!  This could happen to all of us! 

Luis and Zheng told me that they heard that where they're from, the aliens have eight wives each and haven't even heard of the Mohommachrist.  That's probably why every one of them is a murderer and a rapist and kills cute puppies for fun and no other reason.  I don't know about you all, but I'd feel much safer if we just told all those aliens to go home.  This is our Earth, you weirdos.