A Simple Suggestion To Make This World a Better Place

Here's what we need to do: we need to start a professional women's volleyball league and market the hell out of it like we do all the other sports. (NOTE: This is a proverbial "we" that takes all of society into account. Please don't get confused and think I mean that you and I are marketing all the other sports. We're not. I had to clarify as I didn't want you to get confused this early in the blog.)

Tonight, after my beautiful, vivacious wife came home from work she mentioned she'd talked with her friend (who is a high-ranking executive for our local nuclear power plant and married to the most successful lawyer in town--he will someday be mayor) and that her friend and her husband (the lawyer I mentioned in the previous parenthetical statement--you really are easily confused tonight) were going to the UNI Women's Volleyball Game/Match/Meet-up tonight. Kelsey (my wife) and I (me) thought that would be fun. We had nothing else to do, and I'd never seen good volleyball played in person before (I'd say sorry to my sister for that comment--but I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this--also, she probably knows she was bad at volleyball, and soccer, and everything else she's ever done (wow, just kidding Anne--you are really great at everything)).

Off we went! We went to the volleyball! Evidently Cedar Falls was hosting the first round of the NCAA Women's Volleyball Championship. This should have been a big deal that I should have known about prior to ten minutes before it started. Bad job of advertising, NCAA Women's Volleyball Championship. You should be sort of ashamed of yourself because...BECAUSE...BECAUSE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL IS AWESOME.

My wife and I arrived way too early and had to sit inside of an almost empty arena and watch the first game between the Arizona Wildcats and Northwestern BeatTheHawks. That game was exciting and no one was cheering or caring about anything. Also, #1 for the Arizona Wildcats was very pretty. Congratulations #1. Then the UNI Panthers (our home team) came out to a thunderous ovation! I hate that phrase, thunderous ovation. They were playing the Missouri Tigers. The Missouri Tigers' cheerleaders had ugly uniforms. Also their tiger mascot they brought looked like it was really just an orange felt suit that someone smeared black permanent marker stripes on to. It was really bad.

So the Panthers were supposed to kill the Tigers. Unfortunately, they did not. They lost. I don't know really how because some (all) of the rules make no sense to me (what's a double touch? when exactly is going over the net bad? how does every volleyball player not break their neck literally all the time? are volleyball players robots? do they have exo-skeletons? have they been sent from the future to kill/save/kill John Connor?)

I have a midnight deadline, so I need to finish this up: we should have a women's professional volleyball league. The stars of the league should be big stars. Here's my reasoning: women deserve a big-time professional sport that makes them millions of dollars that's not tennis or golf--those are gender-shared pretentious sports. The WNBA doesn't work because outside of high school, no one likes watching women play basketball. Sorry, that's just true. Your hoop is too high ladies. Lower it and dunk for crying out loud. Softball is great but won't work because enough people already avoid baseball. Women can't play football because of all the crying they'd do. That leaves volleyball, which I think, and I'm serious, would be the most exciting and best of all the professional sports because:

1) It's fast.
2) The women athletes don't look like she-hulks (here's looking to you Arizona #1)
3) It can't go to an impossibly long length.
4) It's really a lot of fun to watch.
5) Spandex shorts.

I think those points stand on their own. I'd embellish on them all, but really, no one wants that (even you). Also, I have to proofread this in like three minutes in order to post it by midnight. You know, because of my deadline.

All I'm saying is the world needs a new professional sports for agents and businessmen to ruin. I think that women's volleyball (NOT men's volleyball--that always seemed weird to me--how did these men start playing volleyball in the first place? who goes from drunken intramurals to the Olympics?) should be it. Your welcome for bringing this up to you. Good night World.