Dear The President, Mashed Potatoes

Dear The President,

I am an unemployed man who cannot afford education. I've been unemployed for a looooong time. So long. I really need money. It's too bad there aren't jobs for everybody, am I right? Yeah. Okay, but please could you make sure they don't put a mosque in the middle of where an accident once happened? That seems like something important we should talk about while the rest of the country falls apart.

I remember in eighth grade when my teacher Mr. Clark taught me about how statistics are funny. And they are so funny. He asked me if I knew that 100% of big-time serial killers have eaten mashed potatoes. Did you know that? Since that day I haven't had any mashed potatoes because ANYONE WHO EATS THEM WILL KILL SOMEONE SOMEDAY. I think that's what Mr. Clark meant. If Mr. Clark wanted to open a mashed potato store next to the house of someone who knew someone who onetime died, I bet they would say, "No way Mr. Clark, be respectful to the dead."

But here's the thing: I sort of like mashed potatoes. And just because some people who ate mashed potatoes went crazy and made some bad decisions, doesn't mean all the people who eat mashed potatoes will go that crazy and make the same bad decisions. I understand this. Fourth graders understand this. I also understand there are real issues in our country like joblessness, wars (both real and fake), declining work ethics, lack of passion for education, divisive and/or unproductive debates, glorification of teen pregnancy, parents who just want to be buddies instead of disciplinarians, child porn, and ETC ETC ETC. Really, we're worried about peaceful mashed potato eaters wanting to build mashed potato stores? LEAVE MR. CLARK ALONE YOU JERKS!

Love,

ME!