The Bell Tolls for Thee

I FINALLY finished For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway yesterday. It is exactly 130 pages too long. It would have made a great 341 page book. Instead, it made a too long 471 page book. Also, he kept using, “thee” and “thou” when people spoke. This came across as “stupid” and “fake.” I may be no cultural expert, but I do know that in 1901 the hill people of Spain did not use “thee” and “thou” to describe people whilst drinking their moonshine.

Also, the lady character in the book was pretty much a submissive sex fiend. According to Hemingway, sex cures rape. I don’t think that’s true, but then I’m not a boorish ass of a man either, so what do I know? Lots. Lots more than Hemingway is what I know.

On the Wikipedia page dedicated to this book, I learned that this book is one of the three books that inspired President Obama the most. If I had known that before the election, I don’t think I would have voted for him. I’ve not voted for people for stupider reasons (see: Edwards, John and the promise of meatballs).

Either way, the book, as a whole, was much better than the movie I also finished this weekend: Universal Soldier 2: The Return. Now that’s a real bad movie. It was about an hour and twenty three minutes too long. It would have made for an okay one minute movie, as long as I had something else to multitask and do during that one minute. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t even be a good one minute movie. It would be a bad one minute movie. What a terrible minute.

Have there ever been two more different pieces of entertainment completed by the same person in such a short time period? No. There hasn’t been. Ever.

Calm Down Everyone, LeBron Will Still Dunk Real Cool

Everyone should probably stop talking about LeBron being a jerk now. He is not a jerk. Okay, he might be a jerk, but what he is doing is not that jerky. Besides, you wouldn't know if he was a jerk anyway. He'll never talk to you ever.

Let's create a perfectly hypothetical situation because hypotheticals are fun fun fun: you are from Idaho. You are an exceptionally great fan salesman. People say you could be the greatest fan salesman of all time. When you started with your rinky dink company in the s***hole state that is Idaho everyone assumed you'd eventually leave for New York. After all, all the biggest and best fan salesmen have to live in and work in New York for some reason. That's what all the fan trade magazine writers say anyway. People always say New York is the best. People also keep shows like Jersey Shore on TV and celebrities like Lindsay Lohan in the news. Those are pretty much my thoughts on people.

Because everyone loves to speculate about fan salesmen, people start to talk about what you will do someday when your contractual agreement with Idaho ends (did you know all people born in Idaho are contractually obligated to stay there until they are 25? True story). Oh these people make such a big deal out of this. It is all these people talk about. It starts to overshadow your sales. Your company starts to freak out because they know you are keeping them alive. They are selling a crappy product, but you make it look great. They don't want you to leave because they'll probably never come close to selling a fan again.

And They Think I'm an Idiot...

You think blogging on your phone is so quick and easy - don't you, Jay?  Well I just hacked your account, blogged this, and am off pooping in the yard in the time you wasted "blogging" from your phone. Idiot.

Love,

Dottie

P.S. And I don't even have opposable thumbs.

I Do So Much Building and Constructing

Last December, on the day after Christmas, my father-in-law and I started to finish Kelsey's and my basement. We finished the job this past Saturday. Actually, it was Sunday morning at 2:00am. Kelsey told us we needed to finish the basement before the Big American Party we had on Sunday night. I could have been finished around 9:00pm, but I procrastinated the hell out of my last task: sealing the grout in both the bathroom and the bar areas. I would not have procrastinated had I known this job only took FIVE F'IN MINUTES! Everyone told me that's how long it took to seal grout, but I thought that was crazy talk. Oh well.  In the five hours I "wasted" in the basement I got some substantial cleaning done which I suppose needed to be done? I don't know? I think I swept the same floor about six times. To anal cleaning! What a cheer.

Also causing delay that night: I went over to my parent's house, where my cousin Jenny, her husband Val, and their son Sebastian (who is ten? close to ten? somewhere thereabouts?) were visiting. Technically my brother was visiting too, but he doesn't factor into this blog at all because of his total lack of building skills. He is really bad at building. He actually asked me if he had to go to a screw store to get a screw. When I told him yes, he acted like I was the idiot. Where else would you buy a screw?

My Big American Party!

We shall now commence celebrating this country like it once deserved to be celebrated.

If you are reading this and alone and sad, come to our house for party in the USA.

Phone Blogging is Real Time Blogging

I am writing this blog from my phone. How fancy. In the past I used to never be able to give you all real time updates of my life. Now I can, and you should be so thrilled because life with me is like so fun dudes.

Anyways, you all probably want me to tell you everything I am doing RIGHT NOW. I am on break at work. I am alone in my office. I have attached a very artsy looking picture of part of my desk. I have no idea where the picture will end up because phone blogging is mysterious.

As you can tell, I was recently talking on my work phone and drinking water. I also received some intercompany mail in a manilla envelope. My water is now empty. I am thirsty. That is such good art in that picture.

Science Proves Me Wrong as Sleep Awaits

Jeff wins. Sort of. You can kind of make a 500 ended candle if it were a giant flame ball:

Obviously, the candle I envisioned looked more professional and had several crossing paths, like this:

So Science wins again by proving the impossible. Good job Jeff. I expect a five-hundred page thesis with annotated foot notes explaining your project by next Friday. 

Really though, I'm just happy to be going to bed before 10:00pm for the first time in eleven years. This is great news for us all!