A couple (a few?—time no longer goes in a straight line for me) weeks ago my wife and I went to Texas to visit some friends. Hopefully you’re lucky and don’t have friends that live in Texas, so that you’ll never have to visit them. Just kidding Texas friends! I love that you choose to live somewhere unbearably hot. It’s great! (It’s not great. It’s too hot. Why do they do that to themselves? )
(Also: People from and who live in Texas can’t read words located inside of parenthesis. They be dumb muchachos.)
Okay: Kelsey and I arrived in Texas at some time. At that particular time, it was hot. I was hungry. I could not eat the heat because that’s impossible, so we went to a restaurant. I ate food. I was no longer hungry. BUT I WAS STILL TOO DAMN HOT! Sheesh. Then I went and sat in a pool. God got angry at this. He said, “No one shall avoid the hellish heats of Texas!” and he shook his fist triumphantly, and Jesus was all, “Dad, cool it man. Let the people relax,” and God said, “No son of mine will tell me what to do!” and Jesus was like, “Quit shaking your fist man. I’m totally out of here,” and then Jesus stormed out of the room, slammed the cloud door behind him, and left to get a Frosty at Wendy’s while God continued to punish Texans for pretending they are closer to him than any other state (but are really so much farther away). What that story means is the pool was awesome, but then it started to rain a hot hot rain, and it’s not decent to swim in the rain, so we went inside, and the air conditioner only half worked, and there were cats in the apartment we went inside, and cats are not dogs, and I like dogs more than cats!
(Seriously: get a dog, Cat People.)
The rest of the day happened. We ended up at a bar. The county this bar was in was a dry county because of (there is no good reason any county should be dry. This is f’in America! Sell me a beer you no good county) some good reason I’m sure. Due to this we had to register with the bar. The bar now has my information! I can’t wait to get drink specials emailed to me everyday all the time! They will go straight to my phone, and I will read about them immediately. Eventually a lot of people left the bar. The only people who stayed at the bar were me, one of my best friends for life Ian, and the boyfriend of the roommate of the girl who lived in the apartment where Kelsey and I stayed (with cats).
Because I had yet to pick an argument with anyone, I asked what I think is a fair question: Do you think everyone hates Obama too much right now seeing as he really hasn’t done much at all? Of course this was Texas, where as soon as I stepped off the plane I saw, “Impeach Obama,” booths set up. When I said Obama, the bar screeched to a halt. Strangers stopped playing pool and awkwardly glanced at me. The music stopped. The insipid World Cup replay on the television came to a standstill (just kidding…it was still going in real time, but that too meant nothing was happening). Finally, to cut the tension, someone with a ten gallon hat and a big belt buckle said, “Yippy kay yay ya you little doggy, ain’t the good lord ever told you it ain’t appropriate to say the O-word here in the great Republic of Texas?” (Remember when Texas was its own state? Prior to all that Alamo garbage? You do? So does Texas. They think because they were their own state once they could easily be their own state again. For some reason, we keep them around. I say add the spicy flavor of Puerto Rico and kick Texas to one big ass curb—that way we don’t have to redesign the flag). He then hitched up his pants, spat on the floor, and shot his six shooters in the air. The rest of bar hooted and hollered. I sat on my chair, ate my bowl of corn, and cried.
Not really! That entirely plausible situation did not happen. I was told by the two Texans lots of things I disagreed with. I won’t go into detail. I did not have a point of my own to get across. I wanted to hear what they had to say. I simply said that the Bush hatred (of which I was totally guilty of) got a little too extreme, but it developed over time. I said, it seems like politics now have gone too far to the extreme on both sides and that people just instantly jump to the conclusion that someone from a different party is a moron. They said I sound like I read too much of them there liberal newspapers. I then asked them about the liberal media myth. I asked how that can possibly be true when the number one news organization in our country is the Fox News Network which skews conservative. They then said, “that network is fair and balanced,” and they believed it when they said it! That’s when my brain left. It had better things to do. Like sleep or think of pictures of boobs.
My mouth continued to talk though. I said BOTH (capitalized for emphasis—SPOILER ALERT!:! the word both plays a very important role in the following two paragraphs) sides of the media are dangerous. I said that it’s irresponsible for liberal or conservative media to present a story and then spin it and talk about it and use it to their advantage. They said, “No no no. Glen Beck and Sean Hannity (two bigoted talking heads partly responsible for ruining the entire world) openly talk about their opinions which is okay. Keith Oberman (one lovey dovey hippy who is also partly responsible for ruining the entire world and also responsible for making Sportscenter really good…I miss Dan Patrick) reports his opinion as fact.”
That was when I was done. My mouth went to wherever my brain was and agreed, “We should just stop this.” I continued to listen to Texans talk because I was amazed at how little Texans listened. (And this from a guy who doesn’t listen either.) I didn’t even take a side (which is now required to do in American Debates—you have to take a side and staunchly defend it. There is no middle road), but I was told, “I needed to learn how to think,” and called a liberal because I think ALL divisive politics and media are bad. And because I think BOTH parties are irresponsible and to blame for the current mess our country is in. And because I form my own opinions and am willing to change those opinions if presented with better information because THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD DO.
Ugh. Texas. As always, there was a lesson learned that day: too much pride, and believe me: Texas has way too much pride, is not good. It’s not good at all. Too much pride combined with too much heat is doubly bad. And too much pride combined with too much heat and any cats at all is just super triply bad. And super triply bad ain’t no good, pahdna.
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