I Made Two Terrible Mistakes Tonight Involving Jimmy Johns

I ordered Jimmy Johns tonight because it is so good. I ordered the Bootlegger Club with no mayo because mayo adds unnecessary calories and is GROSS. I then waited for the sandwich to be delivered freaky fast. And how! It took about six minutes for the sandwich to arrive. This probably meant I should have just went and picked up Jimmy Johns myself, but that would have required me to leave my house and there are strangers everywhere outside.

For some reason I tipped the delivery driver three dollars. Three dollars is too many dollars to tip a delivery driver for a sandwich. That was my first mistake. Then, I opened my sandwich and there was mayo everywhere. It was dripping off the big red tomatoes and making the meat all sticky. I tried to scrape the mayo off, but then I realized: I ordered a sandwich with no mayo--I should have received a sandwich with no mayo.

I then called Jimmy Johns back to let them know about their mistake. They seemed mad at me for wanting another sandwich, so I lied and told them I was allergic to mayo and couldn't merely wipe the mayo off the sandwich. I implied that eating a sandwich that used to have a lot of mayo on it but now doesn't have much mayo on it could kill me. They promised to bring another sandwich to me freaky fast.

They delivered on their promise. They had the sandwich here so quickly I almost think they knew I was going to call. I've solved how Jimmy Johns delivers sandwiches so fast: precognitive ordering. When the new delivery driver handed me my new, hopefully correct sandwich, I thanked him, and I handed him another dollar. Why did I do this? I already tipped too many dollars the last time, now I've tipped a few too many dollars. I could have bought another sandwich for the price of my tips.

Will someone please give me four dollars? Or at least three? I feel someone should reimburse me for my financial mistakes I made on my own with my own human brain. That only seems to make sense.