Thursday, July 8, 2010

Calm Down Everyone, LeBron Will Still Dunk Real Cool

Everyone should probably stop talking about LeBron being a jerk now. He is not a jerk. Okay, he might be a jerk, but what he is doing is not that jerky. Besides, you wouldn't know if he was a jerk anyway. He'll never talk to you ever.

Let's create a perfectly hypothetical situation because hypotheticals are fun fun fun: you are from Idaho. You are an exceptionally great fan salesman. People say you could be the greatest fan salesman of all time. When you started with your rinky dink company in the s***hole state that is Idaho everyone assumed you'd eventually leave for New York. After all, all the biggest and best fan salesmen have to live in and work in New York for some reason. That's what all the fan trade magazine writers say anyway. People always say New York is the best. People also keep shows like Jersey Shore on TV and celebrities like Lindsay Lohan in the news. Those are pretty much my thoughts on people.

Because everyone loves to speculate about fan salesmen, people start to talk about what you will do someday when your contractual agreement with Idaho ends (did you know all people born in Idaho are contractually obligated to stay there until they are 25? True story). Oh these people make such a big deal out of this. It is all these people talk about. It starts to overshadow your sales. Your company starts to freak out because they know you are keeping them alive. They are selling a crappy product, but you make it look great. They don't want you to leave because they'll probably never come close to selling a fan again.

Eventually, you are no longer obligated to Idaho. Thank God. The circus surrounding your life is being cashed in on by reporters and Fan News networks everywhere. You are being wooed. Really though, you sort of want this to just be about the fans. You want to have some fun again. You call some buddies and mention it would be fun to sell fans together. No fan salesmen have ever done that before.  They've never decided to maybe sell a few less fans in order to have some fun. Then, since the shallow, ethicless fan media would air a one hour special touting your decision no matter what you did, and that shallow, ethicless fan media would make all the money from the one hour special touting your decision, you decide to sell the shallow, ethicless fan media the exclusive rights to air a one hour special touting the decision that will let the fan community know where you are going. You do this because you want to make all the money. You want to give it to charity. You will raise two million dollars that otherwise would have gone to the CEO of Fan News.

If that were you, and you did all those things, I don't think I'd think you were a jerk. I'd commend you for seizing the opportunity.  But unfortunately, you are one suck ass fan salesman.

Maybe I'd think that way. Maybe not though. In reality, I'd probably get so sick of hearing about you, (even though that isn't really your fault), I'd come up with some reason to hate you. If I were a member of the fan media, I'd write about how ridiculous it is you are all over the news even though YOU DON'T WRITE THE NEWS, I DO. Pretty much, everything I'd be doing would make no sense at all. After all boys and girls, this be America.

5 comments:

  1. I disagree. I was fairly sickened by the ego involved, and I think the rationale of "the mega millionaire had to go to the big city to become even more millionaire-y" is bullshit. He was already wealthy beyond anything we can imagine, and a world famous athlete (brand) like few other stars today. If Lebron cared about the fans, he would've shown more respect toward the fact God constantly kicks Cleveland sports fans in the crotch.

    I will agree he doesn't shoulder all of the blame-- ESPN has been and will remain disgusting, as well-- but America has become too complacent with arrogance.

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  2. How do you know that Idaho is a s***hole?

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  3. 1. They have blue football fields.
    2. Potatoes? Really?
    3. Its shaped like a vertical Oklahoma, and Oklahoma is a big enough shithole without being tipped on its side.

    I don't think "the child hero wanted to go play somewhere with his friends" is bad rationale or a bad storyline. Holding a $6m press conference to kick your old team in the teeth is pretty ignorant of your place in the world though, no matter how excited you are to go play in the sandbox with your buddies. But if this whole thing was about them getting together, why did we have to have some much misdirection and heart-wrenching b.s. That's what I find most disingenuous.

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  4. What's with the self censoring? I always heard Idaho was a shithole.

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  5. What a thriving blog community!

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