Yesterday my wife and I had a discussion, and it was agreed upon that I need to get more sleep and eat less suckers. I’m happy to report that today I did not eat any suckers. I’m unhappy to report that it is currently 11:30 at night, and I’m not in bed. We have a party to get ready for. This means I had to start putting up shelves in the garage at 8:00 last night. I then had to run with my sister at 10:00. Yes, I had to do all those things. I’m me: when I want to do something I have to do it or some strange part of the universe is unfulfilled. Would you want to live in an unfulfilled universe? I didn’t think so. Anyways, I succeeded at both.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Listen Kids: Always Be Nice to Strangers in Bathrooms
Two weeks ago, while in a Minneapolis bar and restaurant, I had to pee. Don't worry, I didn't hold it long enough to permanently damage my manhood. I'm glad I cleared that up. Anyways, I thought it would be rude to pee at the table, so I went to the bathroom. The bathroom had two urinals. The man at the urinal next to me would not shut up. He started to ask me questions. I didn't hear the questions originally because I tend to ignore people while I pee and also those who are peeing. This guy next to me didn't really stand a chance to be listened to.
So the guy wanted to talk about the advertisement in front of his urinal. It was for a Minneapolis suburban golf course except the pictures in the ad were from Scotland, Spain, and Sweden (just like Dolph). How do I know this? Because two minutes into the drunk guy's rant (we had since washed hands but continued talking about the picture) a man walked in and asked us, "Do you like that?" I'm glad he meant the picture. We said we didn't understand it. I didn't really care to understand it. I wanted to leave the bathroom please. The man said, "I manage that club. We like to f*** with people in our ads." I said he was a genius, even though I really had no idea what his IQ and mental capacity was. It was a figure of speech.
The manager of the club then said, "Since you guys are talking to me in the bathroom, why don't I give you both a round of golf for free." The other guy started to wig out because he was drunk and never before had a drunken mystery turned into a day of free golf. Normally the mysteries led to weird itching sensations. I was non-plussed because really, when the hell was I going to golf in a Minneapolis suburb? The bathroom stranger could have at least tailored his gift to suit my interests. He told us to email him. He asked for our names. I told him my name was Brent because Brent was who was getting receptioned the next day, and he likes to golf. Basically, I got Brent free golf for his wedding. You're welcome Brent. Your gratitude better be included on the thank you card.
As always, there's a lesson: Whenever a stranger in the bathroom starts to ask you questions, strike up a conversation...you might just get yourself a present.
So the guy wanted to talk about the advertisement in front of his urinal. It was for a Minneapolis suburban golf course except the pictures in the ad were from Scotland, Spain, and Sweden (just like Dolph). How do I know this? Because two minutes into the drunk guy's rant (we had since washed hands but continued talking about the picture) a man walked in and asked us, "Do you like that?" I'm glad he meant the picture. We said we didn't understand it. I didn't really care to understand it. I wanted to leave the bathroom please. The man said, "I manage that club. We like to f*** with people in our ads." I said he was a genius, even though I really had no idea what his IQ and mental capacity was. It was a figure of speech.
The manager of the club then said, "Since you guys are talking to me in the bathroom, why don't I give you both a round of golf for free." The other guy started to wig out because he was drunk and never before had a drunken mystery turned into a day of free golf. Normally the mysteries led to weird itching sensations. I was non-plussed because really, when the hell was I going to golf in a Minneapolis suburb? The bathroom stranger could have at least tailored his gift to suit my interests. He told us to email him. He asked for our names. I told him my name was Brent because Brent was who was getting receptioned the next day, and he likes to golf. Basically, I got Brent free golf for his wedding. You're welcome Brent. Your gratitude better be included on the thank you card.
As always, there's a lesson: Whenever a stranger in the bathroom starts to ask you questions, strike up a conversation...you might just get yourself a present.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Aspen Exteriors, I Do Not Apologize for My Rudeness
Last April, after Kelsey's and my house was decimated by hail, I chose a company called Aspen Exteriors to fix the siding and roof because they would give me $1000 to put a sign in my yard, and my deductible is $1000. I didn't bid anyone against each other. I clearly should have, but I didn't. Aspen hasn't been a horrible company to work with. They certainly aren't a good company, but they at least do good work when they finally get around to doing work. The main problem with Aspen is that the employees themselves are unreliable morons.
Every single one of them is a moron. Especially all of them. They are the biggest of the morons.
Every single one of them is a moron. Especially all of them. They are the biggest of the morons.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Death of Penelope Phone
For those of you that have spent any amount of time with me in the real life human world over the last fifteen months, you've probably noticed the incredible cellular telephone I carried. I called it my penny phone. I called it this because it cost one penny. I am a good nicknamer of stuff.
Fifteen months ago I got promoted at work. Prior to my promotion I had a work Blackberry. I did not need a Blackberry because I had the least important job a human being has ever had. I had a Blackberry though because why not? The problem with having a work Blackberry is that one's work boss can get in touch with one whenever he/she/it wants to. I did not like this. I did not like that my boss knew I checked my email before bed, so he had no problem sending out a meeting announcement for a 6:00am meeting at 10:00pm the night before. Because of situations like this, I developed a hatred for the Blackberry which, in typical me fashion, caused me to hate all "smart" phones.
When I got the new job, I no longer needed a Blackberry, even though I actually had a job that mattered a bit more. Logic, thy name be Corporate. Anywho, I went to the local cell phonearia to purchase a brand new phone. They showed me phones with cameras and Facebooks and GPSes that sure looked neat, but they looked too smart, and I hated smart phones.
Fifteen months ago I got promoted at work. Prior to my promotion I had a work Blackberry. I did not need a Blackberry because I had the least important job a human being has ever had. I had a Blackberry though because why not? The problem with having a work Blackberry is that one's work boss can get in touch with one whenever he/she/it wants to. I did not like this. I did not like that my boss knew I checked my email before bed, so he had no problem sending out a meeting announcement for a 6:00am meeting at 10:00pm the night before. Because of situations like this, I developed a hatred for the Blackberry which, in typical me fashion, caused me to hate all "smart" phones.
When I got the new job, I no longer needed a Blackberry, even though I actually had a job that mattered a bit more. Logic, thy name be Corporate. Anywho, I went to the local cell phonearia to purchase a brand new phone. They showed me phones with cameras and Facebooks and GPSes that sure looked neat, but they looked too smart, and I hated smart phones.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thank God Soccer is Finally Over for Everyone!
After surviving the overly convoluted first round of the World Cup, the United States lost (seriously: how does that first round work? I don't get it. You don't have to win any games. You can tie all the time. I think you play forty games or something like that. Refs take away goals. Random time is added to the end of every game. It's like the sport actively tries to be inaccessible to people who enjoy any of the following: sports, common sense, enjoyment, entertainment, life, people, horn-free events, everything).
But don't you worry! Today the United States lost one game in the "next" round (I don't know if it's appropriate to call it the second round because I don't know if soccer considers this a second round because the first round might be several rounds rolled into one long confusing round and also there are too many countries in the World Cup so there are too many Groups).
Now soccer is hopefully over because America doesn't care about anything it is not directly involved in (also we don't care about soccer because we have the means to afford to play sports with "purposes" and "logic." Any sport that announcers have to explain, in vivid, excrutiating, accented detail about why a zero to zero game with only six shots on goal combined between two teams is good is not really good. It's in fact bad. It's really bad. So yeah, because we can afford bats and gloves or pads and pigskins in this country, we don't have to find a fallen coconut on the ground and kick it around a dusty, dirty field. That's why we never grow to appreciate "futbol." Meanwhile all the people who used to be poor don't want the current poor people to feel bad about themselves, so they say, "This is the greatest!" when it's definitely not the greatest).
But don't you worry! Today the United States lost one game in the "next" round (I don't know if it's appropriate to call it the second round because I don't know if soccer considers this a second round because the first round might be several rounds rolled into one long confusing round and also there are too many countries in the World Cup so there are too many Groups).
Now soccer is hopefully over because America doesn't care about anything it is not directly involved in (also we don't care about soccer because we have the means to afford to play sports with "purposes" and "logic." Any sport that announcers have to explain, in vivid, excrutiating, accented detail about why a zero to zero game with only six shots on goal combined between two teams is good is not really good. It's in fact bad. It's really bad. So yeah, because we can afford bats and gloves or pads and pigskins in this country, we don't have to find a fallen coconut on the ground and kick it around a dusty, dirty field. That's why we never grow to appreciate "futbol." Meanwhile all the people who used to be poor don't want the current poor people to feel bad about themselves, so they say, "This is the greatest!" when it's definitely not the greatest).
Friday, June 25, 2010
RETRO BLOG: The Frank of Dan's Wedding
I was an usher in my college roommate Dan's wedding. It was in Houston. There are two notable stories from this wedding I want to talk about. This is the second.
My friend Dan had a fun wedding. I'm sure you can read all about it at his blog or his Facebook or his Twitter. Either way, if you would have told me in college that Dan would get married someday, boy would I have laughed and laughed. Then I'd forget why I was laughing, and we'd move onto another topic of conversation. We'd probably talk about baseball or videogames or movies. All in all, we would have had a great conversation. I'm really glad you hypothetically stopped by and had that conversation with me on that day.
Dan, marriage, continued. Since Dan was getting married, we obviously had to have a bachelor party. The bachelor party was in Houston I think. The wedding was in Galveston I know. Texas all looks the same. It's all just flat cornfields.
My friend Dan had a fun wedding. I'm sure you can read all about it at his blog or his Facebook or his Twitter. Either way, if you would have told me in college that Dan would get married someday, boy would I have laughed and laughed. Then I'd forget why I was laughing, and we'd move onto another topic of conversation. We'd probably talk about baseball or videogames or movies. All in all, we would have had a great conversation. I'm really glad you hypothetically stopped by and had that conversation with me on that day.
Dan, marriage, continued. Since Dan was getting married, we obviously had to have a bachelor party. The bachelor party was in Houston I think. The wedding was in Galveston I know. Texas all looks the same. It's all just flat cornfields.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
RETRO BLOG: The Journey to Dan's Wedding
I was an usher in my college roommate Dan's wedding. It was in Houston. There are two notable stories from this wedding I want to talk about. This is the first.
Airport employees are actually quite nice when you are nice to them. When I arrived at the Waterloo airport (where I was flying to Minneapolis, where I would then fly to Houston) it had been raining for four hundred consecutive hours. It was some sort of October record I think. Half the city was flooded. It had also been raining in Minneapolis for three weeks straight. Minneapolis was entirely underwater because it's surrounded by 10,000 lakes. That seems like an awfully round number to be an actual count of actual lakes. I demand a recount!
My original itinerary had a two hour layover in Minneapolis. This would have been plenty of time to traverse the Minneapolis airport, grab a Big Mac, smoke some Camels, etc. Unfortunately the desk attendant at the Waterloo airport let me know the Waterloo flight had been delayed for two hours due to the Midwest being completely underwater everywhere. They asked if I wanted to fly out in the morning. I did not want to fly out in the morning. My friend Ian was going to be in Houston that night, and it was the only night I was going to be able to see him. I told them I'd risk the flight. They asked if I knew anyone in Minneapolis I could stay with if I get stranded. I said of course I do. I travel to big cities all the time and know tons of people in all of them. They were very impressed by this.
Airport employees are actually quite nice when you are nice to them. When I arrived at the Waterloo airport (where I was flying to Minneapolis, where I would then fly to Houston) it had been raining for four hundred consecutive hours. It was some sort of October record I think. Half the city was flooded. It had also been raining in Minneapolis for three weeks straight. Minneapolis was entirely underwater because it's surrounded by 10,000 lakes. That seems like an awfully round number to be an actual count of actual lakes. I demand a recount!
My original itinerary had a two hour layover in Minneapolis. This would have been plenty of time to traverse the Minneapolis airport, grab a Big Mac, smoke some Camels, etc. Unfortunately the desk attendant at the Waterloo airport let me know the Waterloo flight had been delayed for two hours due to the Midwest being completely underwater everywhere. They asked if I wanted to fly out in the morning. I did not want to fly out in the morning. My friend Ian was going to be in Houston that night, and it was the only night I was going to be able to see him. I told them I'd risk the flight. They asked if I knew anyone in Minneapolis I could stay with if I get stranded. I said of course I do. I travel to big cities all the time and know tons of people in all of them. They were very impressed by this.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Good News to You All: I Am Not Dead!
I am in an airport. (Kelsey just looked over at the computer, read that sentence, and said, "You are. Good job, babe!" Just one example of how encouraging she can be.)
My shirt is dirty. At some point, the rubber on the bottom of my backpack decided to melt a little. Now the rubber on the bottom of my backpack is a strange rubber/glue hybrid that attracts only black, tarry grease. I didn't notice this until after my backpack had rubbed all the black, tarry grease onto the back of the blue polo I wear ALL THE TIME (luckily I have three identical polos at home). Now the polo is probably ruined. Today was shaping up to be a sad day for everyone.
But then I had a delicious lemon poppy-seed muffin! Sure, it was overpriced. Once they trap you in the airport they do their damnedest to make sure you leave broke and terror free, but it was delicious. The muffin made me realize it's okay to have a dirty shirt on when traveling to Texas because Texas is dirty and awful and we should have let Mexico keep it. Right ya'll (get it? that's how they speak there.)? Boo Texas for some reason!
After the muffin, on the way to the concourse, my elevated mood must have encouraged the Gods of Your Choosing. The following played over the intercom:
"We have a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
"We have a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
"Third request for a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
"Please cancel that request for a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
It was an airport miracle! The patron at Gate C5 can walk again! Hopefully this is a real miracle and not a, "I'm now trapped on a mysterious island airport with people whose lives have intersected with mine because we're in the midst of a long standing battle between good and evil," miracle.
Also, my wife has made two Chris Craig references today. Whatever happened to that guy? Does he still live two minutes away from JC Penny? Is he still a jokester? Is he still wakeboarding? I feel as though there are too many unanswered questions surrounding Chris Craig.
My shirt is dirty. At some point, the rubber on the bottom of my backpack decided to melt a little. Now the rubber on the bottom of my backpack is a strange rubber/glue hybrid that attracts only black, tarry grease. I didn't notice this until after my backpack had rubbed all the black, tarry grease onto the back of the blue polo I wear ALL THE TIME (luckily I have three identical polos at home). Now the polo is probably ruined. Today was shaping up to be a sad day for everyone.
But then I had a delicious lemon poppy-seed muffin! Sure, it was overpriced. Once they trap you in the airport they do their damnedest to make sure you leave broke and terror free, but it was delicious. The muffin made me realize it's okay to have a dirty shirt on when traveling to Texas because Texas is dirty and awful and we should have let Mexico keep it. Right ya'll (get it? that's how they speak there.)? Boo Texas for some reason!
After the muffin, on the way to the concourse, my elevated mood must have encouraged the Gods of Your Choosing. The following played over the intercom:
"We have a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
"We have a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
"Third request for a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
"Please cancel that request for a wheelchair request at Gate C5."
It was an airport miracle! The patron at Gate C5 can walk again! Hopefully this is a real miracle and not a, "I'm now trapped on a mysterious island airport with people whose lives have intersected with mine because we're in the midst of a long standing battle between good and evil," miracle.
Also, my wife has made two Chris Craig references today. Whatever happened to that guy? Does he still live two minutes away from JC Penny? Is he still a jokester? Is he still wakeboarding? I feel as though there are too many unanswered questions surrounding Chris Craig.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I Certainly Do See a Lot of the City
Tomorrow my wife and I are flying out to Houston. Houston, Texas. Since this blog is new, thus making you all new to it, you're probably thinking I travel to big cities every weekend. You would be correct. Every weekend I do this. The weekend after Houston I'm traveling to Washington DC to celebrate the 4th of July with Mr. Obama. The weekend after that I'm going to Boise, just cause. Note: I'm probably not doing those things.
Anywho, I hope my plane doesn't crash tomorrow. Though it if it did, and I died, that would certainly make this couplet ominous.
I was going to write a bit more tonight, but I ended up packing as to not get divorce papers served tomorrow morning. I'm going to bed now. Unlike last night when I had to wake up at 4:00am, I've decided not to stay up until 1:00am. That was really really stupid...though my presentation to the management team went beyond splendid thank you very much.
Anywho, I hope my plane doesn't crash tomorrow. Though it if it did, and I died, that would certainly make this couplet ominous.
I was going to write a bit more tonight, but I ended up packing as to not get divorce papers served tomorrow morning. I'm going to bed now. Unlike last night when I had to wake up at 4:00am, I've decided not to stay up until 1:00am. That was really really stupid...though my presentation to the management team went beyond splendid thank you very much.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Everything You are Doing Right Now is Wrong
Why are you reading this blog? You shouldn't be reading this blog. You should be watching Toy Story 3 at your local cinema. It is that good that you should stop Internetting and go the movie. Seriously, the Internet will be here when you get back.
Sidebar for those of us who have seen the movie and are waiting for others to come back: I went to this movie with three of my neighbors and their children. Children can be convinced of anything. I convinced our neighbor's daughter that all her favorite foods (corn dogs, mac and cheese, and fruit roll-ups) had onions in them because she hates onions. This made her want to throw up. I did this because I'm a jerk.
Welcome back!
Wasn't the entire end sequence amazing? Was it not one of the best end sequences in any movie since Rocky 4? Yes. Yes it was. Communism wasn't ended, but someone's childhood was. It was literally the perfect ending to the movie. I obviously won't go into details because I don't think for a minute you actually left your computer and immediately watched the movie (shame on you for reading a sidebar that was not intended for you), but I can't help but gush.
Now you should probably tell me to get off the computer and go to bed. Jay, you have to wake up in four hours! Go to bed! You are presenting to your management team tomorrow, and you'll have bags under your eyes! Why are you awake? Also, your dog is sitting down in front of you and clearly wants outside. Let her out already. You're making a lot of selfish decisions right now.
Good point Me.
Sidebar for those of us who have seen the movie and are waiting for others to come back: I went to this movie with three of my neighbors and their children. Children can be convinced of anything. I convinced our neighbor's daughter that all her favorite foods (corn dogs, mac and cheese, and fruit roll-ups) had onions in them because she hates onions. This made her want to throw up. I did this because I'm a jerk.
Welcome back!
Wasn't the entire end sequence amazing? Was it not one of the best end sequences in any movie since Rocky 4? Yes. Yes it was. Communism wasn't ended, but someone's childhood was. It was literally the perfect ending to the movie. I obviously won't go into details because I don't think for a minute you actually left your computer and immediately watched the movie (shame on you for reading a sidebar that was not intended for you), but I can't help but gush.
Now you should probably tell me to get off the computer and go to bed. Jay, you have to wake up in four hours! Go to bed! You are presenting to your management team tomorrow, and you'll have bags under your eyes! Why are you awake? Also, your dog is sitting down in front of you and clearly wants outside. Let her out already. You're making a lot of selfish decisions right now.
Good point Me.
Read This Blog Before It Gets Too Far Ahead of You
Did you see me just there? No? It’s probably because I am so fast now. How fast? I ran the third fastest mile anyone has ever run last Friday: Seven minutes and forty seconds. The only people who have run faster miles were on steroids and cocaine and running from mobs and also were named the Flash. They had too much adrenaline, so it’s not fair to make their times comparable to mine. They are almost in a different category all together. I’ve gotten off topic.
Let’s get back to the main point of this blog, and that is how fast I am. I am really fast. Did you want me to type the time out numerically instead of letterically? Okay: 7:40. Outside. In mild heat. In the pouring rain! With tornadoes everywhere! And the streets were littered with mooses!
Really though, running isn’t nearly as bad as I’ve made it out to be over the last all of the years of my life. I actually somewhat sort of enjoy it. It’s nowhere near as awesome as drinking or playing a videogame for fifteen straight hours, but it’s slightly more satisfying and helps me inch ever closer to being a super hero. One day, I will finally have the speed to vanquish all evil (six minute thirty second miles vanquish evil).
Let’s get back to the main point of this blog, and that is how fast I am. I am really fast. Did you want me to type the time out numerically instead of letterically? Okay: 7:40. Outside. In mild heat. In the pouring rain! With tornadoes everywhere! And the streets were littered with mooses!
Really though, running isn’t nearly as bad as I’ve made it out to be over the last all of the years of my life. I actually somewhat sort of enjoy it. It’s nowhere near as awesome as drinking or playing a videogame for fifteen straight hours, but it’s slightly more satisfying and helps me inch ever closer to being a super hero. One day, I will finally have the speed to vanquish all evil (six minute thirty second miles vanquish evil).
Sunday, June 20, 2010
80's Music is the Leading Cause of Hangovers
Last night, Kelsey and I attended a wedding reception in Minneapolis for her best gal pal Allison and her husband Brent. I haven't counted, but I think this was the 67th wedding and/or wedding reception Kelsey and I have attended in the last five years. It's legitimately the third wedding in the last month. Please friends and family, STOP GETTING MARRIED. I understand you are in love, but you are not at all respecting our schedules. How am I supposed to do nothing on Saturday when I need to shower and wear dress slacks by 3:00pm?
Anywho, I like weddings. I think this is the first time in recent memory that we don't have a wedding to go to anytime soon.
The reception we went to last night was quite awesome. It definitely ranks in the top five receptions I've ever been to. Jeff told me one of two things makes for a great wedding: a live band or an open bar. This wedding had both.
The band were these people: bratpackradio.
It's official, weddings have peaked. After the now legendary wedding I attended in Ankeny a month ago (that's officially foreshadowing for a RETRO blog, which as mentioned, is the opposite of a FUTURE blog) and now attending a wedding with an open bar and an 80's cover band, there is nothing left anyone can do to entertain me. You can all just stop trying thank you very much.
On the subject of the open bar:
I'm pretty sure I drank too many beers and combined them with too many glasses of wine and too many shots (which weren't even supposed to be allowed). I stopped counting after my second beer, but I'm pretty sure I drank a lot more than that. I know this because when I got back to the hotel I decided to sleep on the bathroom floor instead of order pizza and pizza is delicious. Then I woke up this morning and my head felt like it had way too many vice grips pressing down on it (wouldn't one vice grip pressing down on a head be way too many vice grips? what a terrible sentence).
Now I'm tired. I've been tired all day. I'm glad Brent and Allison love each other and all, but their love really hurt my head last night. Congrats to those two. Good luck to anyone who thinks they are going to top that wedding. You have a lot of work to do.
Anywho, I like weddings. I think this is the first time in recent memory that we don't have a wedding to go to anytime soon.
The reception we went to last night was quite awesome. It definitely ranks in the top five receptions I've ever been to. Jeff told me one of two things makes for a great wedding: a live band or an open bar. This wedding had both.
The band were these people: bratpackradio.
It's official, weddings have peaked. After the now legendary wedding I attended in Ankeny a month ago (that's officially foreshadowing for a RETRO blog, which as mentioned, is the opposite of a FUTURE blog) and now attending a wedding with an open bar and an 80's cover band, there is nothing left anyone can do to entertain me. You can all just stop trying thank you very much.
On the subject of the open bar:
I'm pretty sure I drank too many beers and combined them with too many glasses of wine and too many shots (which weren't even supposed to be allowed). I stopped counting after my second beer, but I'm pretty sure I drank a lot more than that. I know this because when I got back to the hotel I decided to sleep on the bathroom floor instead of order pizza and pizza is delicious. Then I woke up this morning and my head felt like it had way too many vice grips pressing down on it (wouldn't one vice grip pressing down on a head be way too many vice grips? what a terrible sentence).
Now I'm tired. I've been tired all day. I'm glad Brent and Allison love each other and all, but their love really hurt my head last night. Congrats to those two. Good luck to anyone who thinks they are going to top that wedding. You have a lot of work to do.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
FUTURE BLOG: Go Away Aliens
Last Friday I sat at the Moon Cafe, with my good friends Luis, Tyrone, Zheng, and Drazen. We talked about all those problems we're having with illegal aliens lately. We didn't mind the illegals at first, when they minded their damn business and did all of the work we didn't want to do. I mean, they've been on our Earth and our Moon for years now, and they still want to try and communicate with mind melds and glowing hand motions? Why haven't they bothered learning the Official Language of Earth: Spagermenglabosnobonics?
We're also pretty fed up with the fact they are always playing laser tags with their lasers (set to stun mode) and nodding their large green foreheads back and forth. What type of color is it to be green anyhow? They look different and weird, and I don't understand it one bit. And why can't they get in their spaceship cars like the rest of us? We get it, they can beam into their spaceship cars from wherever they are. That's not cool. We have hands for a reason and that reason is to open doors to things we want to get inside. If my great grand-daddy simply beamed into the Waldorf Hotel, he would have never met my great grand-mammy by holding the door open for her. They would have never procreated. I wouldn't have been born! This could happen to all of us!
Luis and Zheng told me that they heard that where they're from, the aliens have eight wives each and haven't even heard of the Mohommachrist. That's probably why every one of them is a murderer and a rapist and kills cute puppies for fun and no other reason. I don't know about you all, but I'd feel much safer if we just told all those aliens to go home. This is our Earth, you weirdos.
We're also pretty fed up with the fact they are always playing laser tags with their lasers (set to stun mode) and nodding their large green foreheads back and forth. What type of color is it to be green anyhow? They look different and weird, and I don't understand it one bit. And why can't they get in their spaceship cars like the rest of us? We get it, they can beam into their spaceship cars from wherever they are. That's not cool. We have hands for a reason and that reason is to open doors to things we want to get inside. If my great grand-daddy simply beamed into the Waldorf Hotel, he would have never met my great grand-mammy by holding the door open for her. They would have never procreated. I wouldn't have been born! This could happen to all of us!
Luis and Zheng told me that they heard that where they're from, the aliens have eight wives each and haven't even heard of the Mohommachrist. That's probably why every one of them is a murderer and a rapist and kills cute puppies for fun and no other reason. I don't know about you all, but I'd feel much safer if we just told all those aliens to go home. This is our Earth, you weirdos.
A Smorgasbord of Excellent Ideas
To try and improve this blog's current ranking as only the 806th best blog in the world, I thought of some ideas. I'm going to try my hand at a few different styles of blogs:
1) RETRO BLOGS: Since I haven't blogged in well over a year, and since before that I didn't really blog at all anyway, and since every now and then I remember something that happened a long time ago that I want to blog about, but I can't blog about because it happened too long ago, and the Internet is so current and up-to-date on everything, I thought I'd label the occasional blog: retro. That way, if I wanted to write about a hilarious and relevant story that occurred in Ms. Teig's fifth grade science class one day, I can. Instead of doing this, using a chintzy label or "tag," I could use past tense and dates and context to let you know the blog is taking place in the past, but that would be a lot of work and make my blogs TOO LONG.
2) FUTURE BLOGS: These blogs will be like the retro blogs, only they will take place from the future. I don't really feel like I need to explain that any further.
3) WITH APOLOGIES TO MY FATHER AND HIS GENERATION BLOGS: I don't know about you all, but ever since I grew up into an adult I've learned that almost everything the generations before us did was wrong. So wrong. Oh man, they were and are wrong about almost everything. What's funny, is they don't know they are wrong. They think we, the young people, are wrong about everything. That obviously cannot be. When I feel like writing a blog about why I think maybe it's okay to vote for a liberal every now and then or why I think maybe Sarah Palin should just shut up, I'll use the above tag. These will be my most factual blogs.
4) SO MANY MORE TYPES OF BLOGS: I'm sure there will be many more types of blogs, but a list over four would be too long and no one would read it.
1) RETRO BLOGS: Since I haven't blogged in well over a year, and since before that I didn't really blog at all anyway, and since every now and then I remember something that happened a long time ago that I want to blog about, but I can't blog about because it happened too long ago, and the Internet is so current and up-to-date on everything, I thought I'd label the occasional blog: retro. That way, if I wanted to write about a hilarious and relevant story that occurred in Ms. Teig's fifth grade science class one day, I can. Instead of doing this, using a chintzy label or "tag," I could use past tense and dates and context to let you know the blog is taking place in the past, but that would be a lot of work and make my blogs TOO LONG.
2) FUTURE BLOGS: These blogs will be like the retro blogs, only they will take place from the future. I don't really feel like I need to explain that any further.
3) WITH APOLOGIES TO MY FATHER AND HIS GENERATION BLOGS: I don't know about you all, but ever since I grew up into an adult I've learned that almost everything the generations before us did was wrong. So wrong. Oh man, they were and are wrong about almost everything. What's funny, is they don't know they are wrong. They think we, the young people, are wrong about everything. That obviously cannot be. When I feel like writing a blog about why I think maybe it's okay to vote for a liberal every now and then or why I think maybe Sarah Palin should just shut up, I'll use the above tag. These will be my most factual blogs.
4) SO MANY MORE TYPES OF BLOGS: I'm sure there will be many more types of blogs, but a list over four would be too long and no one would read it.
I Have a New Blog that Tastes like an Old Blog
I decided to create a new blog this morning because I never use my old blog. Also, all the blogs on my old blog are just too long, and whenever I think about updating that blog I think I have to write a really long blog, which I don't, but I think I do, so I created a new blog. I put a picture of me as a baby on this blog. I could have cropped the picture, but then it would have removed Baby Me's crotch and wowza, what a crotch! I've been stacked since youth.
I wanted a new blog because I didn't really like the name of my old blog. It was called businessjive but it never talked about business. That was really confusing. I went to that website expecting updates on stocks, the economy, and the latest macros analysis of the effects of Zhudanese currency on Privian import taxes. Instead all I got was my own opinions, and they were TOO LONG. Ugh. Now I have this site. I won't come here expecting Shiny Foreheads, but if I do, I will not be disappointed. I will be so happy all the time.
Here's some other fun notes about this blog. It's URL is www.theshinyforehead.blogspot.com. I wanted to use www.theforehead.blogspot.com but that blog was used by some radical hippie in 2007. 2007! That was so long ago. His blog should have expired by now, and I should be able to use it. Then I tried www.goamerica.blogspot.com. That blog is in Korean or Chinese or something. Can you believe that? A foreign language on our American Internet! It should be in English. If I went to their country and used their Internet I'd use their language. After that, I tried www.gousa.blogspot.com, which I didn't want to use but would have settled on since I would have had no other choice. Luckily someone started that blog in 2004 about his trip to America. He was in New York, he posted one blog about visiting his friend in LA, and then he was never heard from again. This America can be a bitch. I bet he's either dead or got caught up in all the glim glam of Hollywood. ANYWAYS, I've settled on this URL. That was my journey though. If you would like to buy the movie rights to that story, please leave your contact information in the comments section.
If you must know, I'm in a hotel room right now. Don't worry though, I'm not planning a trip to the dessert with my friend Dirk, so I'll probably post again soon. Also, I don't have a friend named Dirk.
My friends and my brother and some strangers and I started another blog this week about action movies. It's probably the best blog on the Internet. The blog you are reading is the 809th best blog on the Internet.
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