Saturday, June 26, 2010

Thank God Soccer is Finally Over for Everyone!

After surviving the overly convoluted first round of the World Cup, the United States lost (seriously: how does that first round work? I don't get it. You don't have to win any games. You can tie all the time. I think you play forty games or something like that. Refs take away goals. Random time is added to the end of every game. It's like the sport actively tries to be inaccessible to people who enjoy any of the following: sports, common sense, enjoyment, entertainment, life, people, horn-free events, everything).

But don't you worry!  Today the United States lost one game in the "next" round (I don't know if it's appropriate to call it the second round because I don't know if soccer considers this a second round because the first round might be several rounds rolled into one long confusing round and also there are too many countries in the World Cup so there are too many Groups).

Now soccer is hopefully over because America doesn't care about anything it is not directly involved in (also we don't care about soccer because we have the means to afford to play sports with "purposes" and "logic."  Any sport that announcers have to explain, in vivid, excrutiating, accented detail about why a zero to zero game with only six shots on goal combined between two teams is good is not really good.  It's in fact bad.  It's really bad.  So yeah, because we can afford bats and gloves or pads and pigskins in this country, we don't have to find a fallen coconut on the ground and kick it around a dusty, dirty field. That's why we never grow to appreciate "futbol." Meanwhile all the people who used to be poor don't want the current poor people to feel bad about themselves, so they say, "This is the greatest!" when it's definitely not the greatest).

And yeah, this has been the worst World Cup ever because it's the most recent World Cup and ESPN really wants us to like soccer (which we won't. Stop trying ESPN. We didn't care when David Beckham came to our country. We'll never rally behind a star named Landon Donovan because he sounds like he belongs in a 1980's episode of Guiding Light.  I understand that you paid a lot of rights to air the World Cup but man the World Cup is SO BAD and you could be talking about ANYTHING ELSE in the world of sports even the WNBA because at least basketball makes sense and watching women try to do something professionally that they shouldn't be doing is I guess more entertaining than soccer because soccer is SO BAD).

To sum, soccer, bah!

2 comments:

  1. Baseball sucks. :)

    -BT

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  2. What...you don't like games that have commercial breaks every ten minutes?

    ReplyDelete